Not a Girl?

Back to Personal Entries --> .

Damn. I am really getting into Mitski. I know that it is cringe to be like "Oh now this indie artist gets me". But I like her songs. I feel like I can relate to them. It describes the feelings I have a hard time expressing. One of the feelings that consumes my mind is that alien feeling I get when I think about being a girl. I am a girl. I am ok with being a girl. Not quite happy with my body but I don't totally abhor it anymore. But I feel that if I were to talk to another girl I would be quickly found out. Someone who is just pretending to be a person. Someone who is just pretending to be a girl. In the same way I don't feel like a man. I just feel alien. I don't know how being a girl is supposed to feel, but I can at least relate to enough experiences a girl might have. Sometimes I worry that I will never make any girl friends. That I will be found out to be a creep who is not a real girl. Maybe I find men easier to talk to because I hold them in less regard. I care less about what a man might think of me compared to what a girl might think. I don't really care too much when I talk to men. I realized that most of the friends I have that are girls are exes of my male friends. Am I just bad at talking to girls. Maybe it is leftover trauma from being confused about my feelings for my bestfriend in middle school. If I am found out as queer I'll be the creep no one wants to give galentines chocolates to for fear of me taking it to seriously. It is quite othering. I can see why historically lesbians in the 50s and 60s were more gender nonconforming. Able to relate to some of the experiences of being a woman, but never feeling fully woman. Not feeling like a woman is also something POC go through. I have a hard time seeing myself as a woman when the default depiction of womanhood is a white woman. Someone with woes that I will never fully understand. Sure there are some universal experiences, shame of a first period. To lose your youth and beauty is a crime. It is like losing your worth, or at least part of it. Is this something all queer people go through. Surely no one's experience is that they were just loved and accepted. There was rejection and the judging words of people who would spew hatred towards queers blatantly while I was still closeted. I think that my religious trauma has definitely made things more difficult. I used to have a lot of OCD tendencies to follow the religious rules as if they were black and white. This made my attraction to different genders a lot more difficult and introduced more guilt. Even with churches that are more progressive it feels like you can be queer just not too queer. That's too worldly. I think that is why I felt such an aversion to Young Life events at my college. I go because my friends go. But something as simple as praying over food, will send me into anxiety. I remember, "Here is a place where lots of gay people exist, but you are just not allowed to say you are gay". My friend and her girlfriend just become friends at this event. Chappel Roan plays but her music is reduced to background music. My fear is that religion will drive me back into my shell. I will lose all the progress I made. I will no longer love the parts of myself I took so long to love. Instead I will idolize the person that I will never be. I want to be myself. Even if it makes me an alien.

Back to Personal Entries --> .

Back to Index Index!