This semester is significantly harder than the fall semester. For the first time EVER, I had to drop a class. I am normally so studious and dilligent. I do not know if it is a combination of not caring, self sabotage, or preferring spending time with my friends more than studying. My focus feels divided despite not having as many responsibilities. Maybe I am avoiding doing the work because I do not want to admit to not understanding my classes. My drop in quality works could be due to me thinking that I cannot do it. Rather than freaking out about it I am simply allowing myself to fail.
This semester, I hang out with my friend group a lot more often than I probably should. This is my own choice. I used to spend my time in the library or at my desk doing readings and homework. Now when I get home I check my chats and see which events my friends are going to. I think I am addicted to the company of others. We are starting to study together which is good. It may be in my best interest, to study on my own. I need to be independent and responsible for my own actions. If I fail to come up with the grades I need or the finances needed to pay for college, that is my own fault.
Part of me thinks this is all useless. It is difficult to get a job as a software engineer. If I am not even the brightest in my class, how will I stand out as a candidate for a job. I hate that I have to participate in capitalism. I wish I could get my degree for free, study as I please and indulge my hedonistic desires. I simply indulge too much for my own good. Self discipline is something I lost while trying to keep myself from having suicidal thoughts. It is much easier/safer to indulge in things I like so I continue living.